Today’s letter discusses suicide. If you or someone you know may be struggling with depression/suicidal ideations please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. If you are outside of the US please check this list for further hotline information.*
In case you haven’t noticed from the title, today is March 2nd, 2018.
Like all days, today is beautiful. But today is especially beautiful for me. I am celebrating how I’ve come to be in this present moment. Today marks two years since I tried ending my life. For two years I’ve taken breathes that could have never existed.
While attempted suicide is nothing to celebrate, it is important for me to remember this day. I am able to look back on my suffering and respect it. I respect that I am not always going to be 100%. I will not always love every inch of my being. But I sure as heck will try. I will take this awful memory and admire the good things. I didn’t die and I learned the greatest lesson of my life.
Life is always worth living, even when it feels like it’s not.
That’s the thing, it only feels like it isn’t worth living. Bad feelings – or any – aren’t right or wrong. However, they are temporary and don’t always reflect my wiser self’s intentions. It isn’t wrong to feel the desire to end my life. But to end my life is wrong. It’s not only okay to feel this way, but it’s just as important to respect this feeling by giving it the attention it deserves. This feeling deserves to be shared with someone that can help.
I wanted the feeling to go away and when it continually didn’t I felt I had no choice but to end my life so I could no longer feel anything. Because I asked for help and guidance when I did I survived. Though many people aren’t as lucky as I was.
Since 2016, I’ve learned that even on my darkest days, I still have my best friend, myself. As long as I am alive I will be there for me. Now I only have but one choice to learn that I am not as scary and as awful as my mind might make me out to be.
Today I am cheerful. I mindfully walk to the park. Peppa pig balloon and letter to the Universe in my hands, I admire my courage to live. As I walk to the park I remind myself to walk a little slower when I notice myself speeding up. I gently ease back into my body as I notice the beauty around me.
When I arrive I stroll through the park for a few moments before the solitary celebration. I notice two children swinging and laughing. I notice an old woman smile as she pushes a baby around in a carriage and I am content with this moment.
I deeply inhale, as I unfold my letter and I begin to read my handwriting. Softly but powerfully. My words blow away with the wind as I thank the Universe for my survival. I muse on all the experiences I’ve had in the past two years. I shed a few joyful tears as I fold the letter in thirds and tie it to the string of the balloon. With a whisper of, “I am Vail Varone,” it’s gone. What a glorious moment this is.
Eventually, the balloon becomes nothing but a speck in the sky. I imagine it burning up in the atmosphere. And with this notion, a wave of melancholy crashes against me. As it does, I am reminded by my wiser self that sometimes beautiful things explode in order to create something even more beautiful kind of like a shining supernova. I laugh at myself because the metaphor hardly makes sense to me.
Again I whisper words of love to myself, the world, and the Universe.
“Thank you, Universe,”
*PS. Here is a list of various resources and support groups. There is always a brighter future and please trust me and many others when I say, you are not alone.
Alcoholics Anonymous – 12-Step program for those facing the disease (there are multiple other programs based around the 12-steps for struggles with loved ones of alcoholics, overeating, substance abuse etc.)